It's been almost 3 yrs?  or 2.5?  Who is counting right?  I still miss you.  Not sure if I can get that same feeling with anyone else.  I am trying hard to focus on other people and move on but it's been tough.  Only if you can read this right now, and only if things were different.

Are you truely happy now?  Sometimes I wonder if you secretly think about our past too. Our past - by that i mean the better half of it, before shit hit the fan.  We were once so so good together.  And then what... I screwed up, big time.

I know I know it all sounds very stupid, but hey, a girl can imagine a little can't she? 

I am a changed person now and GEE how I wish you can start from a clean slate and get to know me all over again.  But that change came a little too late i guess.  Not that it'll change anything since things are different for the both of us now.

I hope all is well.  I miss you from the bottom of my heart although I can't tell you in person.  I kept telling myself that your happiness is what's important at this point.  Just trying to put things into perspective you know... I can't be creating any drama in your life.  Plus for being the good guy that you are, there is no way you will even allow any nonsense from me for the sake of her protection.  You must be very good to her too. 

Gosh how desperately do I wish you will accidentally come across this page and change your mind somehow.  Don't worry though, I know my place - which means i am in NO place to say anything.

Only if I can turn back time.  How stupid was I, REALLY. 

<3 u.

So maybe this is a real change for me?

First all, can you believe this... I am running!  I am actually trying to train for a certain distance.  Just a humble 4 miles without resting, that's my goal for now.  It's nothing glamourous like a half marathon.  But i am doing it for myself, not for anyone else so i am good.  For those who knows me well know that I HATED running with all my might.  It's boring, repetitive, brainless... or so I used to think.  Not until lately, after i almost past out during a shadow boxing class at 24, do i realized how bad my endurance was.  And mentally, I really need to train for perserverance.  It's a huge flaw of mine that I want to change and I am getting there. 

This is a weird transitional period for me. I have finally come to terms with myself about some shizzles.  Not like i was completely crazy before, but i think i found that tranquility that i envy others for. I used to have a lot of anger and insecurity within me, although they were mild and I was completely functional on the surface.  I felt like there was a need to prove myself to others (or even just prove to myself) constantly. Always tried to prove to people how fun and crazy and funny and fiesty and independent of a person i am.  It was tiring, and i lose myself within this little complex of mine.  Now I've finally come to realize that, it is ok for me to be average, normal, quiet, slow, gullible, naive, humble, mushy and stupid as long as I am happy and have peace of mind. f yea! 
(LOL was profanity really called for just now? see, another prime example) 

Don't get me wrong, the pain is still there and probably is just as intense as it always has been.  But I can finally withdraw myself from negative thoughts, and face my problems, flaws and life's imperfections with peace of mind.  This is somewhat exhilarating, yea i kid you not. 

It seems like my quarter life crisis after 4 years, has finally come to an end!  A tough 2-year for me living without you, tough love.  But I learned a lot along the way.  I m not sure if the pros and the cons cancels out, and it is still painful as hell whenever i think about it.  But I guess I can really say now that everything happens for a reason.  Oh how I only wish I didn't have to lose so much before learning my lesson.  The cost was astronomical. It was devastating with a sad ending. But as Ms Fergie rambmles "fairy tales don't always have a happy ending do they?" Right on.  All I can say is, some things are just not within my control. I am turning it over to whoever's in charge up there.  At least I am doing the right thing (for once! gee) guilt-free with integrity and peace of mind.

"The best way to get more in your life is to remember and be thankful FIRST with WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE.  We are taught to only think of what we don't have and it takes alot of energy to break that."

Denise is alway quick to rescue when it comes to my sanity lol.  I love her for that.  Guh knows me best.   

Yes I should be thankful.  Thankful for what I have at this moment... esp family and friends. They are the ones who will always be there to remind me that i am a good person, even when I am at my worst, when I steer off track and wound others.  I love how you guys continue to pick up my calls when you know I would be nagging about the same shitsnezz over and over again. 

I guess I am finally growing up (a little too late?).  Been so spoiled in the past. Finally learned a big lesson, through a very difficult way with a very wrong decision.  I am sad to say that this might be it, it is what is it. But deep down I really hope for the resentment to go away some day.  It's hard to take a lost... esp losing someone who meant the world to me at one point in my life.  Although, I try to tell myself nothing is really lost until life seizes.  Time heals I hope.  I don't know.  I am just happy that you are happy.   

Faith is the only thing I can hold onto now... I know things will get better someday somehow.  So from now on I will stop worrying.  At least I will try.

Two cents i picked up along the way:  To those you care about... always be humble, thankful and genuine towards them.  Always always think for them first... thinking for yourself first usually result in the screwing-over of other people, and the guilt will eat you up if u really do care for them..... Believe in KARMA.... The concept of individualism is dangerous and should be used with caution.  I don't know, the concept might even be half bull.  You can still be yourself, or "find yourself" while having consideration for others. 

I am trying to do the right thing here.  Whoever's watching up there... hook me up!  :P